A workout routine indeed improve my mood and boost my positivity.

As 2024 is just around the corner, looking back, a lot’s happened. To sum it up with one sentence, I’d say: “Proud of myself? Absolutely. But fully satisfied? Not quite.” As the title suggests, this year was the best of mine yet, filled with both joy and sorrow at the same time, I was both happy and sad at the same time. it’s a very subtle experience, let me break it down a bit more.

The most significant event was my move to Tübingen, Germany for a postdoctoral research, marking a new phase of my career and life. At the very beginning, everything was a struggle, with no one to rely on except the most unpredictable and judgmental lunatic in town. Her inconsistency and harsh critiques made settling in as a newcomer particularly challenging.

Despite the initial struggles, I am a survivor. I quickly found my place among the Chinese community in the institute and the town, kind of getting along with all the Chinese. It was a very pleasant good time, things got fun pretty fast. I dove right into the social scene and, believe it or not, turned out to be pretty crucial to our community. I’m not the social king of course, but I was showing a totally different side of my personality, I was way more outgoing than I ever was back in depressing Beijing era. So our Chinese community, had meals together quite often after my arrival, making fun of our ‘lunatic queen’, and engaging in light-hearted gossip.

Meanwhile, I kinda let my work slide, especially the eXTP simulation stuff I was supposed to nail – total mess, honestly. We had a workshop in Rome with Phil, and many big names from China, like Fangjun, Shuangnan. Oh, and Phil, he turned down my application for Amsterdam in February. That interview was something else – my first real-deal professional one. It really opened my eyes. Phil and Anna, they weren’t drilling me with hardcore specific science stuff, more like testing how I think on my feet. Quite the ride, I’m telling you! Anyway, I ended up focusing a lot on socializing – not the academic kind, but more like hanging out with the Chinese community. It was fun, sure, but my anxiety started creeping up day by day.

The turning point for me was the “relationship” I had with a Chinese girl, for whom social life was immensely important. We were mutually attracted to each other, bonding over fun activities like playing video games, hosting parties, and casual gossip. However, as time passed, her self-centered personality and inconsistent temper began to emerge. Her singular focus on partying and gossiping in Tübingen gradually drain me mentally. At this pivotal moment, this experience led me deeply reflect on my life choices and question what I truly want.

After a few dramatic scenes, I ended the relationship. It turned out to be possibly the second-best decision I made this year. I felt a huge sense of relief. However, the several months afterwards turned increasingly unpleasant and disgusting. But, as I’ve come to realize, life is a balance: “you gain some things and lose others, or vice versa.” In contrast to her approach, I started distancing myself from the Chinese community, especially the Chinese gang at our institute. The Chinese at my institute are bunch of clowns, except for 2 whom I still communicate with regularly. As for the others, one half are condescending assholes, another half are just pure retards. They were condescending in a way that they didn’t even engaging with non-Chinese colleagues in our institute, and often speaking in a dismissive way that contempt the values and efforts of others. Most of them prefer to stay within their comfort zone, mainly/only socializing with other Chinese individuals. This often means they don’t feel the need to speak English or trying to learn German. And of course due to the language barrier, some struggle to understand the basic words from other colleagues. It may come across as harsh and super racist against my own people, but I am just stating the fact that they tend to stay in their tiny circle and are incapable of or hesitant to interact with people outside of it.

Hanging out with the Chinese group at our institute has become increasingly awkward and monotonous. I’ve been making efforts to go out, meet new people, and engage in different local activities. Whether it’s smoking with Emre, and Miraç, having tea breaks with Armin, or joining Kungfu classes. these experiences have helped me connect with others. I’ve formed some of my best friendships this way. I am grateful for these friendships and those nice people, and also very proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone.

Simplifying my life by reducing unnecessary socializing with the Chinese group has been refreshing. I realized that the lack of social boundaries within this group often led to limited personal time. Guess what, I refocused on work, I’m close to publishing two papers – one on instrumental and another on an anti-glitch discovery in a pulsar, a significant scientific finding. Life is realigning with my goals, though it sometimes feels lonely. However, this is a small price for avoiding those bullshits. I’ve started reading and journaling again, which mentally rejuvenates me, offering a form of meditation and helping to clarify and reshape my thoughts and minds. I’m getting better, I can notice the evolvement.

Here’s to 2024! I’m grateful for everything happened this year, especially the tough lessons learned from toxic environment and/or my own misguided decisions. What doesn’t kill you really does make you care less:) Let’s go!

听Fermi组介绍脉冲星计时的工作，最后缅怀Jing Luo，非常震惊。

这段时间工作状态实在是堪忧。一方面工程上拖着一堆的进展，一方面科学上有一些想法没去实现，焦虑之下，结果什么都没做，成天互联网冲浪。

肖硕毕业，讲他的工作，我觉得非常好，对我也很有启发。对待工作他有一个很明显的特点，就是“完成度”。在他手下，无论是多无聊或是看上去没意义的工作，他都能详尽地分析，最终以文章的形式发表。速度和敏捷开发很重要（哪怕很多细节都被忽略掉了，很不严谨）。

我现在感觉我被GRM工程上的事情拖着，让我越来越倦怠。当然这是一个接口，不过我希望能够学习肖硕的作风，快速全力地先完成一件事，这样可以心无杂念再去完成下一个想法。所以尽快完成GRM的开发工作吧，哪怕是借鉴代码，哪怕是先写一个初始版本，快速地迭代才能让工作推进下去。

嗯，回味一下这种工作感觉，投入到GRM的开发中去吧。

最近在申请牛顿国际奖学金 (Newton International Fellowship)，王亚楠撺掇我和 Diego Altamirano 联合申请的。

最初我还比较迷，以为Diego作为我博后老板，申请这个基金到他那儿去干活。后来发现，其实更像他拉着我，一起找英国政府要钱，我们是合作者，当然他作为英国的 host 对我有培训和提供帮助的义务。

At this point, two references are Silvia Zane @UCL and Meriano @U of Groningen. Besides the proposal, everything works fine.

So the last but the hug problem remains is about the proposal. As Diego commented that my proposal at this stage looks like a bunch of material put together in 5 minutes. Damn! that’s harsh.

I have 3 days left to finalize my proposal. Let’s go, mate.

宋昨天在办公室问我，愿不愿意留所。我是没想到他会亲自来招募。

我直接就表达了这期博后结束后去别处找机会的意愿。这么些年来，我经常告诉自己，不要忘记谁留所谁傻逼这个结论。但是现在到了机会真的在眼前了，我又有一丝丝迟疑了。

回头好好分析一下。彻底把这件事的抉择进行一个结案。

最近时常感到失落、窘困，处在一种失去人生目标感的虚无的状态。

以往的经验是。

第一，保持做事。持续的工作技能分散胡思乱想的注意力，也能在保证一定的产出的情况下，减缓虚无感；

第二，现阶段或许已是最糟。读博以及留所做博后这几年，各方面都糟透了，具体不作赘述。往后只会越来越好。从这个角度说，应该乐观；

第三，保持开放的心态和可能性。长久处在一个环境中，思路和眼界肯定都会被限制。走出去，世界很大。或许你会重新认识自己，或许你会豁然开朗，或许。保持这种可能性，没有必要自己给自己设限。

如果遇到学界同仁，端着咖啡在会议的茶歇中跟我攀谈起来，问我是做什么方向的，我该怎么回答呢？

这得视情况而定。

如果你是做理论的，我就是做观测的；如果你是做观测，我就是做数据的；如果你是做数据的，我就是写软件的；如果你是写软体的，对不起我是做科学的。

总之咱们啊，聊不到一块儿去，喝你的咖啡吧你。

如果你理论、数据处理、仪器都很懂……成年人的世界已经很难了，为什么要告诉我你很厉害？